How to Be Tough

Being tough is about much more than talking a big game. Tough people handle difficult situations with strength and grace. They stay positive instead of letting cynicism rule the day, and they're the ones who volunteer to help when someone needs to take the lead. Like wisdom, toughness can only be acquired through experience. In fact, every problem you have to face down gives you a chance to get tougher. Next time you encounter a tricky obstacle, will you waver and wilt, or will you choose to be tough?

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Mindset Shifts

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1
Pump up your confidence. Toughness and confidence go hand in hand. Being tough comes down to the choices you make about handling any given situation. Having confidence in yourself makes it possible to make the right choice and follow through with it. If you're not sure you're capable of stepping up to a challenge, it's probably because your self-confidence needs a boost.^{[1]
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- Learn to recognize your true opinions, rather than letting yourself be swayed by what other people think.^{[2]
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  Kirsten Parker, MFA
  Mindset & Action Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 22 July 2020.} Trust yourself to know the right way to handle a situation.
- Don't compare yourself to other people. It's a rabbit hole many of us fall into time and time again, but comparing yourself to others undermines your self-esteem. Next time you're faced with a decision, look inward.
- Learn to say no. People will respect your opinion more if you actually say what you think. Always look them in the eye when saying no, so they'll know that you're sure.
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Stay even-keeled under pressure. Do you blow your top or burst into tears when something makes you angry or upset? Being tough doesn't mean not having emotions, but it does mean keeping them in check so you can think clearly and make rational decisions. Start reigning yourself in a bit if you tend to react strongly to unwelcome news.^{[3]
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- Before you do anything, take a deep breath and count to ten. This well-known trick for keeping yourself together really does work. After 10 seconds, the first surge of emotion will calm down a bit.
- Channel your energy instead of unleashing it on other people. Exercising, writing in a journal, and practicing meditation are good ways to give your emotions a positive output.
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Don't worry about the little things. If you're going to be tough, you can't let disappointing news or a negative comment ruin your day. If every little challenge makes you feel as though you're coming undone, you won't have energy left over for making strong choices regarding bigger issues.^{[4]
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Kirsten Parker, MFA
Mindset & Action Coach

Expert Interview. 22 July 2020.} Work on developing a thicker skin.^{[5]
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- Worrying excessively about other people's judgments is a waste of your time. It's a given that people will disagree with you and judge your choices sometimes; that's their problem. As long as what you're doing isn't hurting other people, you're fine.
- Don't be a hothead. Traffic jams, lines at the post office, and other annoyances are not worth losing your temper. If you can't handle mailing a package without having a meltdown, how are you going to handle a real problem?
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Follow through with your goals. Everyone sets goals, but following through with them is another matter entirely. Most goals worth setting require hours of monotonous hard work to achieve them. If you want to be tough, be willing to put in the time and effort it takes to accomplish goals.^{[6]
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- Break your goals down into manageable steps and set a schedule for completing them. This way you'll know exactly what needs to be done in order to get to the finish line.
- Be ruthlessly persistent. If you give up before you've met your goal, you're letting yourself down. Don't allow yourself to lose interest or get tired of working hard.
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Pick yourself up after making a mistake. Making mistakes is an inevitable part of life. Tough people use their mistakes as tools for learning how to do better next time. If you tend to let your mistakes get the better of you, or worse, blame someone else every time something goes wrong, try taking a different approach to your mistakes.
- Admit when you've done something wrong. It's a misconception that in order to be tough, you've got to act like you're always right. In fact, the opposite is true: tough people are willing to endure the discomfort of owning up to their mistakes.
You don't have to be sunny and cheerful all the time, but having a generally optimistic point of view goes hand in hand with being tough.^{[7]
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Research source} Being hopeful about what the future holds is an asset when life gets hard. People who complain a lot and feel cynical about the future aren't able to cope as well in the face of disaster or despair.

Erin Liu

Jul 31, 2017

"It's very concrete and helpful to tell me to look inward to pump up confidence, and show me it's a fact..." more

Part 2

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Facing Tough Situations

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Face reality. Don't attempt to evade difficult situations by running away or pretending they aren't happening. The ability face reality head-on will help you make practical decisions that will ultimately lead to positive change.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Kirsten Parker, MFA
Mindset & Action Coach

Expert Interview. 22 July 2020.} If you bury your head in the sand, your problems will just keep festering.
- Resist the temptation to ignore your problems by indulging in escapist behaviors. Using drugs and alcohol, watching too much TV, staying up all night online, gambling and other similar behaviors will make it harder to clearly see reality.
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Consider your options carefully. With every situation you encounter, you have a choice to make. It's up to you to decide how you'll react and what actions you should take. Sometimes the right choice is obvious, and other times right and wrong seem impossible to distinguish from one another. Taking the time to think things through clearly will help you choose correctly.
- Let's say you get a piece of bad news: you weren't admitted into the program you applied for. What are the possible paths you can take from here? Is there a wrong way to react? What's the right way?
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Get advice from wise people. It's not weak to admit you could use some advice. Other people's opinions can be valuable when you're faced with a situation that you haven't encountered before. Ask people you trust what they would do in your position. Remember, though, that only you can ultimately determine the best course. Other people's opinions are secondary to your own values.
- Trusted friends and family members are good people to confide in when you have a big decision to make. Take their advice with a grain of salt, though, since people who know you, even if they love you very much, might have their own personal stake in the decision you make. For example, your mom would prefer you didn't move to a different town, her advice about what college you should choose might be loaded with her emotions.
- Going to a therapist or counselor is a great idea when you feel a professional opinion could be useful.
That little inner voice telling you what choice to make will become louder and stronger as you gain experience and wisdom. After examining a situation from all angles and getting a few outside opinions, it's time to act on your values. Being tough means acting with honor and courage, no matter how scary it might be to do so.
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Don't back down (unless you should). Once you've made your decision, follow through with it and stay true to your values. The tough decision to make is often the least popular, so there will be times when it seems like other people are against you. Stay strong when others try to tear you down for doing what you believe is right.^{[9]
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- There are exceptions to this rule - like when the action you took was actually wrong. Don't automatically get defensive if you're accused of being in the wrong. Think clearly about what happened and decide if you're still on board with your original actions. If you realize that it would have been better to do something different, admit it.
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Alicia Oglesby
Professional School Counselor
Alicia Oglesby is a Professional School Counselor and the Director of School and College Counseling at Bishop McNamara High School outside of Washington DC. With over ten years of experience in counseling, Alicia specializes in academic advising, social-emotional skills, and career counseling. Alicia holds a BS in Psychology from Howard University and a Master’s in Clinical Counseling and Applied Psychology from Chestnut Hill College. She also studied Race and Mental Health at Virginia Tech. Alicia holds Professional School Counseling Certifications in both Washington DC and Pennsylvania. She has created a college counseling program in its entirety and developed five programs focused on application workshops, parent information workshops, essay writing collaborative, peer-reviewed application activities, and financial aid literacy events.

Alicia Oglesby
Professional School Counselor

Assert your needs to your friends. Practice asserting your needs verbally ahead of time so it comes naturally with friends in the moment — come up with go-to lines like “No, I’d prefer to stay here” or “Not today, but maybe another time.” Being able to say no confidently takes practice.

Part 3

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Staying Resilient

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Keep yourself in good physical condition. Being physically strong and healthy is beneficial for your mind as well. If you're always tired and under the weather, it's going to be a lot more difficult to deal with issues that arise. Don't neglect your body's health if your goal is to be tough.
- Get plenty of sleep. This will keep your body healthy and help you stay mentally alert. Aim for 7-8 hours per night. Make it a priority!^{[10]
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- Eat plenty of vegetables and fruits. Making these a mainstay of your diet will provide the vitamins and nutrients your mind needs to stay strong.
- Exercise. Cardio and strength training will keep your body and brain in good shape.^{[11]
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- Destress. If your world is cluttered up with a million things to do, it'll affect your power to make good decisions.
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Form strong bonds with other people. There is strength in numbers. It's easier to build a wall around yourself than to reach out and form deep relationships with other people. Earning and keeping people's trust is no simple feat. It might sound strange, but exhibiting vulnerability with others is actually an important part of being tough.^{[12]
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- Show your family, friends and colleagues, that you're trustworthy and dependable. Answer emails and calls promptly and be there for people when you're needed.
- Take on a leadership role in your community. You could volunteer your time to help others, coach a little league team, start a neighborhood garden, and so on. Have a stake in your community!
Having an active spiritual life will help give you the perspective you need when your problems threaten to consume you. Find ways to become more spiritually aware and connected to the rest of the world. Doing yoga, meditating, participating in a place of worship, and spending time in nature are all good ways to enrich yourself spiritually.
Ultimately, being tough comes down to knowing your values and acting on them. Understanding this will help you deflect petty insults and avoid getting wrapped up in drama. It will help you figure out what's important to you and set out to achieve your goals. Most importantly, it will help you boldly make the choice to do what you know is right.

Comments

Maria Fernandez

Apr 15, 2017

"If you think being tough is being rude, then you're wrong. Tough is when you show you're not scared."
Hagar Horya

Feb 18, 2018

"I felt that I needed this so much, it helped me recognizing what I really want in time!"
Layla Doyle

May 18, 2021

"I have been wanting to be more tough for ages. It helped me sooo much!"

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How do I get mentally stronger?

Kirsten Parker, MFA
Mindset & Action Coach
Kirsten Parker is a Mindset and Action Coach based in her hometown of Los Angeles, California. She helps high achievers overcome stress and self-doubt. She specializes in increasing one's confidence and clarity by incorporating tools from positive psychology, mindful habit change, and self-regulation into her coaching. She is a Certified HeartMath Practitioner trained in Stress, Anxiety, and Intelligent Energy Management along with Emotional Intelligence and the Science of Self-Acceptance. She also holds an MFA from Yale University School of Drama in Stage Management.

Kirsten Parker, MFA

Mindset & Action Coach

Expert Answer

Don't let other people's thoughts about you affect who you are or what you do.

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How can I train my mind to be stronger than my emotions?

Kirsten Parker, MFA
Mindset & Action Coach
Kirsten Parker is a Mindset and Action Coach based in her hometown of Los Angeles, California. She helps high achievers overcome stress and self-doubt. She specializes in increasing one's confidence and clarity by incorporating tools from positive psychology, mindful habit change, and self-regulation into her coaching. She is a Certified HeartMath Practitioner trained in Stress, Anxiety, and Intelligent Energy Management along with Emotional Intelligence and the Science of Self-Acceptance. She also holds an MFA from Yale University School of Drama in Stage Management.

Kirsten Parker, MFA

Mindset & Action Coach

Expert Answer

Rather than trying to run away from or escape your problems, look for alternative, positive ways you can handle them.

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Tips

Look people in the eye when you talk to them.

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Talk in a medium-loud voice. No one will listen if you're too quiet, and no one will pay attention if you're too loud.

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Don't allow your 'tough attitude' to turn into anything too aggressive, keep control.

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The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.

"Don't make being tough get over your head. Only be tough and use what you've learned when you think it's the right time. People won't like you if you're too tough. Pushing people over isn't nice." - Basil C.

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Warnings

Threatening people makes it worse, and will land you in a heap of trouble.

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Don't be egotistical. There is a significant difference between confident and cocky.

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Don't speak too loudly, or it will sound like you're shouting.

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Realize that people won't always do things you ask them because of their own reasons. Make sure you listen if they're trying to say something, or otherwise they won't listen to you.

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