How to Grow Up

Co-authored by Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA

Last Updated: October 2, 2024 Fact Checked

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If you're feeling stuck in a perpetual childhood, learning to shake yourself out of your routine can help get you on the fast-track to adulthood. Being a grown up is more than an age and more than an attitude. The more you learn about yourself and learn to identify your own tendencies, the closer to grown up you'll be. Learn to prepare for the future, get your kicks in your late teens, and approach adulthood with grace and dignity. See Step 1 for more information.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Discovering Yourself

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1
Throw yourself into your talents. What makes you unique? What makes you you? Use your late teenage years and early 20s to start becoming more and more like the adult version of yourself. Your interests, talents, and skills will give you some sense of who you will become, so it's important to take your mid-to-late teenage years to explore those talents and dream your biggest dreams. What do you want to be? Who do you want to be? Explore yourself.
- Use these years to play in bands, play sports, act in drama, paint, and read for pleasure. Explore things for which you have natural skills, as well as things you know nothing about. Try new hobbies and activities that are available, like photography or dance. You might learn that you're really great at something you never gave yourself credit for.
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Start thinking about where you'll be in 10 years. While you don't need to plan out your whole life in your early twenties, it's important to start giving some thought to what you want to do with the rest of your life. Do you want to go to college? Are you studying what you want to study and providing yourself a plan for the future? Do you want to start making money as soon as possible? Are you going to take your band on tour and live like a rock star? Are you going to travel? Make a list of your priorities and the things you want to make sure to accomplish in your young adulthood and start taking the steps to make them happen.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach

Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.}
- If you're interested in going to college, start researching possibilities, and thinking about what you'd like to study. Find local universities and colleges that might be a good fit, and find colleges that would be dream schools. Find out about how much it will cost, how much your family will be able to afford, how much you'll need to reserve with student loans, and the different cost breakdowns for different schools.
- If you want to start working, spend time developing a budget for yourself, setting financial goals, and learning what kinds of jobs will be available to you to make the kind of money you'll need. Research the training and vocational skills you'll need for those types of jobs so you can start preparing now.
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See new places and embrace new experiences. In the interest of expanding your mind and learning more about the ways different people live in your world, it's important to see it up front and in person. Make it a priority to visit other places and spend time in other cultures as you enter adulthood. It can be a moving and significant experience for many young adults.^{[2]
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- Traveling doesn't need to be a leisure activity for the privileged. If you work hard and can't afford to take a vacation to Italy, or study abroad, travel as best you can within your means. Visit interesting places in your own country that you've never seen. Visit neighborhoods within your own city that you don't spend time in. Be a tourist in your town.
- World-Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms (WWOOF) takes on willing laborers in a variety of countries throughout the world, giving you a chance to work your way across the world.^{[3]
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  Research source} Likewise, the Peace Corps, Americorps, or other humanitarian organizations provide service and travel experience. Help out, give back, and see new places.
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Befriend a diversity of people you respect. Give yourself a chance to socialize with as many different kinds of people as you can. Learn about yourself from spending time with hard-working and admirable people, and model your behaviors on people you respect.^{[4]
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Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices

Go to source} Maintain healthy relationships and you'll maintain your own sanity.
- Find a work role model. At your job, find a person who negotiates the work environment in a way that you admire. Learn from them. If your colleague stays above the petty department politics, but still manages to let her work speak for itself, do the same. Collaborate and commiserate.
- Find a life role model. As you grow older, it's easy to lose touch with old friends and to not make new friends. It's easy to wake up one day and realize the people you see every day are coworkers. Keep friends that do very different things than you, with whom you share mutual interests or hobbies. Maybe your record collecting buddy works HVAC, but that doesn't mean you can't relate to each other over the new crate-digging finds you made last weekend.
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Be honest with yourself.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach

Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.} As you get older, you'll gradually get to know yourself better. If you tend toward laziness, or tend to sweat the small stuff, or tend to procrastinate, these things shouldn't be a surprise by the time you reach your twenties and get ready to enter the work force. A teenager can get away with ignoring these things and calling it "youth." But an adult needs to get real and be honest about shortcomings, challenges, and places for growth. Growing up takes work.
- Identify your strengths. What are you particularly good at, or skilled in? Take time to identify your personal strengths and the things you're proud of.
- Identify your weaknesses. What needs some work? What keeps you from getting what you want? It's important to identify places in need of improvement, fixing up the foundation to keep the house of yourself strong.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Acting Mature

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1
Learn to recognize your "child mode" and control it. There's no adulthood button, so there's no clean break between childhood and adulthood. But growing up doesn't mean that you have to abandon your youth entirely, it just means that you have to control your childhood tendencies and learn to harness that youthful energy into more mature goals and ambitions. Recognize your childlike tendencies so you can use them to your advantage.^{[6]
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- Child mode is chaotic. A child is disorganized, unprepared, and usually running a million miles an hour in the wrong direction. Childhood is chaos. While many adult lives are busy and full, chaos–the lack of control or structure for that stress and business–is a sure sign of child mode. Identify the parts of your life that are chaotic and channel your energy into organizing them.
- Child mode is helpless. Someone needs to tie a child's shoes, feed the child, and offer emotional support. An adult is more self-reliant, capable of raising their own children because of an increasing degree of selflessness. As you grow up, work to become more capable of doing things yourself, and rely less on others.
- Child mode is resentful. In child mode, you may grow to seethe in anger when another coworker gets a promotion and you don't, or when an old fling from high school gets married. Resent is the child mode equivalent of a temper tantrum. If you don't get your way, you can bury that frustration and let it grow into resentment and anger, like a child does, or you can express your frustration in a healthy way, reckon with the situation, and move on.
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Learn to say no. Teenagers are impulsive. Teenagers say yes to another drink, a long night out, and blowing off work the next day to go on a road trip. Becoming an adult means that you need to learn to draw your own boundaries, pull back from the mentality of your youth, and stand up for yourself. If your friends are going to a music festival, but you're worried you won't be able to take off work, you've got to learn to say no. Being responsible sometimes means saying no.^{[7]
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Trustworthy Source

Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living

Go to source}
- The more you emphasize your long term goals by making short-term decisions that will move you in the right direction, the more grown-up you'll be. Taking a day off work to play Halo with your college friend might be attractive, but if you blow any chance you'll have of ever getting a raise, you're actively keeping yourself from attaining your goals, a sign of immaturity.
When you're going out, or working, keep the cargo shorts and the novelty t-shirts in the drawer. Men and women should wear clean professional clothes appropriate for the occasion. You don't have to throw out your ratty old stuff–keep your college gear safe for homecoming week and Saturdays to let yourself feel young.
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Take care of your body. An adult can't eat Ramen and macaroni and cheese with hot dogs for breakfast anymore. When you shut the door on college, shut the door on your ways of eating and dressing.^{[8]
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Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
Main public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human Services

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- Exercise and eat responsibly. The freshman 40 are no joke. When kids run off to college, it's a regular thing to stop playing sports and start eating whatever you want, all the time. The weight goes on and it can be very difficult to shake the habit of bad eating and no exercise. Don't let the freshman 40 turn into a yearly thing.
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Laila Ajani
Fitness Trainer
Laila Ajani is a Fitness Trainer and founder of Push Personal Fitness, a personal training organization based in the San Francisco Bay Area. With over 13 years as a trainer and exercise specialist, Laila has expertise in competitive athletics (gymnastics, powerlifting, and tennis), personal training, distance running, and Olympic lifting. Laila is certified by the National Strength & Conditioning Association (NSCA), and USA Powerlifting (USAPL), and she is a Corrective Exercise Specialist (CES).

Laila Ajani
Fitness Trainer

You should not focus excessively on muscle building before reaching puberty. Your body is still growing and developing, so you don't want to put too much stress on it. However, building healthy habits at a younger age is always a good idea! Instead of worrying about completing reps or sticking to a set routine, you should focus on trying different exercises and learning how to do them correctly. The most important thing is to have fun and enjoy being active!
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Deal with set-backs: Children fuss when they don't get their way and teenagers sulk, but adults should take responsibility for their actions, deal with set-backs, and move forward. Becoming an adult means learning to deal with failure and learning to persevere in spite of it. You can't crumble when something doesn't go the way you want, or expect it to.^{[9]
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American Heart Association
Leading nonprofit that funds medical research and public education

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- A hard truth about the world: just because you deserve something does not mean that you'll get it. Keep your goals in sight, stay happy, and do not let the unfairness of life demoralize you. Life is hard and everyone else has had to overcome obstacles, yourself included.
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Form and maintain long-lasting relationships: Many relationships during your youth revolve around circumstances, for example, you're friends with the people you go to school with, the people you work with, the people you know. When you become an adult, though, it's common to move around, to leave old friends behind and form new ones. It can be difficult to know what relationships are long-term and what are circumstantial. Differentiate between them, and take active steps to maintain the relationships you want to keep. Stay in touch, visit, and stay invested in your good friends' lives.^{[10]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.

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- As you enter adulthood, it's common to have longer-term romantic relationships as well. If you're more keen on dating and playing the field, try to settle in for a couple months to see if you don't feel more comfortable. If you tend toward the long-term, don't be afraid to end relationships that have grown stale, just because you like the security. If romantic relationships aren't for you, that's okay as well. Know yourself.
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Deepen your empathy skills: Meet new people, learn about their lives, and try to understand other perspectives about the world.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach

Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.} Take active steps to deepen your understanding of people very different than yourself. Teenagers often think of themselves as open-minded in comparison to their parents, only to realise later in their 20s that they grew up with long-held assumptions based on class, race, gender, and other factors. Becoming an adult means learning to understand and empathise with others.^{[12]
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Trustworthy Source

Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living

Go to source}
- Hang around people much older than you and learn everything you can from them. Teenagers often sneer at people over 30, but adults know wisdom when they see it. At work, in your community, and in other social interactions, make it a priority to seek out members of the generations previous to yours and try to get some of their wisdom to rub off. Pal up to the employee who's been at your job the longest, or the member of your church who's the oldest.
- Read extensively, and learn about other perspectives: Read a variety of political ideologies before committing yourself too closely and identifying with one.
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Be reliable: The words of an adult need to be backed up by actions. If you say you'll do something, do it. Maintaining relationships, jobs, and moving forward in the world will be difficult if you're not seen as a reliable person. Teenagers and kids can get away with messing up all the time—they're kids! But adults need to act like adults. People need to know they can rely on you.
- Always treat friends, family, and coworkers with respect. Treat people the way you want to be treated. If you don't have respect for others, they will most likely lose the respect they have for you. It may not always come back to you but you will get a lot farther in life and be much happier.
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Party responsibly: As you get older, those hangovers you used to glide right over at 21 start to get longer and longer. The body gets less durable. Also, what may seem like good-natured mischief and debauchery when you're in college can start to seem desperate addictive behavior when you're pushing 30. When your day starts to revolve around partying, and when you've got to call off work because you're too partied out, it's time to grow up.
- All things in moderation: Getting older doesn't mean you can't have fun, it just means you've got to plan it out a little more. Get a sitter, clear out your schedule for the next day, and show the young kids how it's done.
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Be open and non-defensive: An adult is confident and emotionally mature to such a degree that knee-jerk defensive reactions become unnecessary. Don't make excuses when your boss tells you that your work hasn't been up to snuff, or when your partner remarks on your self-hygiene as of late; take it with a grain of salt.
- Being non-defensive doesn't mean you should avoid defending yourself, or become a doormat for other peoples' aggression. Rather, an emotionally mature person can receive good-natured negative criticism without becoming defensive or indignant.^{[13]
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  Expert Source
  
  Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
  Life Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.} Be open to being wrong, but stand up for yourself when the time is right. Learning to distinguish is part of growing up.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Living Responsibly

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1
Get a job: Your first employment is an essential step in growing up. Unless you're a trust-funder, you're going to need to work as you enter adulthood. Some start working earlier, during high school, while some wait until college or even after college, to start working. There's no right time to start, but adjusting to employment is an essential step in adulthood.
- A part-time job can be an excellent way of building necessary work skills and making supplementary income, even if your parents are still shouldering you financially. Gradually work toward a more self-reliant way of making money, however.
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Budget your money. It might be tempting to blow your first couple paychecks on a Gibson Les Paul and two tickets to Cabo, but that's the way a teenager spends money. Put that money in the bank and start saving it. Establish a balanced budget that will allow you to live comfortably, taking into account necessary expenses for each month, as well as savings and disposable income. Try to balance your financial obligations in the here-and-now with taking necessary steps to reach your long-term goals.^{[14]
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- Monthly expenses include rent, bills, and food. Most of them you'll have a fairly solid idea about, and try to budget slightly more for food than you may actually need. If you're not sure, keep close track of how much money you spend in an average week on food, then multiply times four.
- Try to save some money as soon as possible, if you can. Putting away a certain percentage of your paycheck every month into a savings account can start to accumulate significantly over the years and months. Even if you can only afford to throw in 50 bucks, you're still taking a necessary step toward adulthood.
3
Pay your own bills in a timely manner. When you leave your parents' house, it's possible to enter into a difficult in-between time. It's very difficult to become completely financially independent straight out of school, or during school, but you can start taking small steps to work ever toward financial freedom and responsibility. Your goal should be close budgeting, and relying on no one else for financial aid.
- Good first steps are paying your own utilities bills and rent, then trying to pick up your phone bill, your car payments, and other expenses along the way. Slowly transition into taking care of yourself financially.^{[15]
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Establish a good record of credit. Pay your bills on time and starting taking advantage of manageable credit opportunities to begin establishing a record of credit. Every time you sign a lease, put your name on a utility bill, or make a timely credit card payment, you're working to establish a credit record that will help you down the road in taking out a loan to buy a house, or make other big purchases and investments.^{[16]
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- Young people are often notoriously bad when it comes to using credit cards. It's not free money. Don't run up a big bill on your credit card and say that you'll worry about it later. Consider making regular purchases with a credit card, if you qualify for one, and pay off the balance immediately with money you already have. Treat a credit card like a debit card to avoid getting in over your head.
- Make loan payments, bill payments, and other payments on time. Don't waste money needlessly on late fees by setting up auto-debit functions online for each of your monthly bills and keeping close records of your budget.
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Start saving money. Put extra money into a savings account and don't touch it just because you can. It's easy to find a reason to throw your extra money away on a new-model Dodge Challenger, but consider your long term financial goals and keep that money in the bank.^{[17]
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- When you can, it's a good idea to start a 401k and begin saving for retirement. Most businesses help their employees start to save money for retirement by providing the opportunity to start a savings account in which you can put money before taxes, which the company will then match a certain percentage of, in addition.
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Live within your means. Simply put: buy things that you can afford, and plan out how you'll pay for them before you make the purchase. Don't put things on credit if you're not sure how quickly you'll be able to pay off the debt, and don't rack up huge debts when you're only making the minimum monthly payment each month with your credit card.^{[18]
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- It's hard to do things like buy a house, pay college tuition, or make big automotive purchases strictly on a cash basis, so it'll be likely that you'll end up with some amount of loan debt at some point in your life. Speak with a financial advisor to learn which option and interest rate works best for you, and work with them to get the smartest package for your financial situation.
- Consolidate your debt, if you can. Paying multiple loan payments each month can get confusing and frustrating, especially if you're not putting enough toward paying down the principal, drawing out the process.
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Be ambitious at work and take on new responsibilities. As you grow older, a marker of maturity is your willingness to take on new responsibilities and stand up for your work. Be ambitious.
- Volunteer for leadership roles at your job, if an opportunity presents itself. Don't worry about whether or not you'll be the perfect choice for a particular position.
- While you should cultivate an ambitious reputation at your job and in your relationships, don't be afraid to turn down requests that don't line up with your goals for yourself. Being ambitious doesn't mean taking on everything that falls in your lap, but that you actively create opportunities to advance toward your long-term goals.

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Maturity is not an age. Everyone gets older but not everyone becomes mature.

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Refrain from depending on others to define your goals for you. Life is what you make it. Quit complaining, and realize that life is, indeed, what you make it: you came into this world with nothing, you will leave this world with nothing and everything in between is up to you.

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Growing up is not about defying your parents. They can still help you on your path to independence.

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