How to Socialize

Co-authored by Lynda Jean

Last Updated: August 1, 2024 References

You'd think our parents could teach us how to socialize with others from a young age, but so often they don't. To some it comes like breathing and to others? Like being a fish out of water. Luckily, it's an art that anyone can learn. Anyone. Yep, you too! Wanna see? See Step 1 below to get started.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Making It Easy

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1
Time your arrival. There are two schools of thought on the matter: arriving early and arriving late (talk about rocket science). Let's go over both and you can pick which tactic seems more fitting for you:
- Arriving early. You can get a chance to talk to people before groups have coalesced, leaving more openings for you. There are also fewer people, which isn't as intimidating. When more people do come, you can walk up to the people you've introduced yourself to.
- Arriving late. Everyone's already there, meaning there are also conversations you can just jump into, taking the pressure off of you. You can often blend into a conversation easily and unnoticed. And you can pick whichever one looks the most interesting! You can say or ask questions like: Hey! What's up? or What are you guys talking about?
2
Initiate. Even the biggest of extroverts sometimes have problems initiating. It's just plain scary -- we're all afraid of getting rejected. So sometimes you'll have to bite the bullet. And you know what you'll find? That most people are at the very least polite. You may not get a red carpet rolled out for you, but it definitely won't be as bad as what's brewing in your head.
- How to initiate? Well, for starters eye contact, smiling and body language (which we'll get to next). Then it's just a matter of making a situational comment and jumping off the platform from there. What's a situational comment? Glad you asked.
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3
Make situational comments. This is the kind of comment where you know you two both have it in common. The bus is late, your boss is wearing a dreadful tie, or that chip dip is downright transcendent. It only takes one little sentence to get a conversation brewing. When they give you a response, you simply smile back, tell them your name and ask theirs. Conversation? Initiated. Here's an example of two people in line for coffee:
- Jim: "I cannot believe they've upped the prices again -- better be liquid gold in my latte!"
  Karen: "Ugh, I know. I keep on telling myself I'll stop and I never do."
  Jim: "Ha, same here. I'm Jim by the way."
  Karen: "I'm Karen. What's your drink of choice, Jim?"
4
Start out small. Take this in two ways: small comments and small situations. Here's what that means:
- Start out with small comments -- in other words, don't wait to make profound, earth-shattering statements to bust into the party with. If you do, you'll be that silent guy that busts into the conversation, taking it to the next level the party was not ready for. Instead, get your foot in the door with an "I agree," "totally," or even an "I'm not so sure about that." As with anything, ease into it.
- Start out with small situations -- like in line at the cafe. If socializing stresses you out, it's best to do it in places where it will end almost immediately. Think of little opportunities that you could take -- talking to your cashier at the supermarket, people you see on the street or at the bus stop, or whoever you're next to in any line. 5 minutes and it'll all be over with, which is way less scary than an entire night.
5
Do stuff. Because if you don't, you'll bore yourself with your own stories. The reason other people have interesting things to talk about is because they open up about their lives and the things they do. It doesn't have to be anything monumental, either. Things as simple as cooking, working out, and reading can spark fascinating conversations. Also don't be afraid to show your personality when in a conversation. If you are silly, show your silly side. Your actions shows the other person how you really feel about a certain situation.
- When someone says, "What did you do today?" you probably want to respond with something other than, "Sat at home." That's fine if you did, but you did so much more than that. When you were surfing the net, did you read anything interesting? Did you cook a meal? Did you see anything remarkable? How can you turn this simple question around?
  - You really don't even have to answer it, per se. You could easily respond with, "Oh, man, today was the start of the Olympics! Do you follow it at all?" Boom -- conversation started with no spotlight on you. The other person won't even notice.
6
Stay current. A large part of making conversation with strangers, acquaintances, even good friends is about staying current with news and trends. These are topics that all parties have at least heard of, so it makes for easier conversation. So take 10 minutes out of your day to read the biggest news stories. Catch a little bit of John Stewart, Tosh.O, the Bachelor, go see the latest hyped-up film, read what's topping the New York Times' Bestseller list, or whatever would get you talking in your social circle.
- You don't even have to have well thought-out opinions. People, in general, love being asked questions and talking, so let them do it. When you find out even the littlest bit about them, find an opinion. They like working out? What did they think about that Biggest Loser contestant being so thin? They like pop music? Surely they have an opinion on Miley Cyrus.
7
Don't judge people. If you do, you'll never put any effort into your social interactions. You'll shut down before they even get started, never giving them a chance. And the truth of the matter is that no one is just like they seem. You could label people by the clothes that they wear or a comment they make, but you'll be wrong about some part of them. Instead, give them a chance to surprise you. You'll learn something in no time.
- The more people you meet, initiate with, and get to know, the more fruitful your entire life will be. You'll have more experiences, learn more things, and be more experienced in the world. People are here to make it richer; the more people you invite in, the better off you'll be.
8
Put yourself out there. All this talk will be rendered null and void if you don't use it. You gotta make opportunities to be social. If you don't have parties to crash, sign up for a club. Take an academic class or a class at your gym. Work in cafes. Just get around people. It's the only way to start.
- You never know what will lead to bigger and better things. So when you first join that softball league, you'll be making chitchat with your teammates. But eventually you'll be going to team parties and using your social skills on a larger platform. So take these small chances now -- you'll be a social butterfly in time.

Part 2

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Giving the Right Impression

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1
Smile. Would you ever approach someone who was grimacing in the corner? Probably not. If you want people to warm up to you, smiling should be your number one priority. It shows people you see them, you're welcoming them, and you're happy to interact with them. Everyone needs a little reassurance, and smiling is just that!^{[1]
X
Expert Source

Lynda Jean
Certified Image Consultant

Expert Interview. 17 November 2020.}
- The best thing about smiling? You can do it from across the room. So if you're ever standing in that corner, watching the room, start observing. When you make eye contact with someone, don't quickly avert your gaze. Instead, smile. Who knew the first steps were so easy?
2
Open up your body language. You've got your face down, now it's time to work on your body. Be aware of keeping it open -- arms uncrossed, legs uncrossed, body positioned toward the people you want to interact with. This is a subtle sign to everyone present that you're open to conversation and looking to interact.
- That means putting your phone down, too. The next time you're in a group of strangers, fight the urge to put in your headphones and start playing Angry Birds. There's no way you'll ever meet anyone if you go about your world hearing and seeing only what's right in front of you.
3
Keep eye contact. If you're nervous to do so, you're being too self-consumed. Seriously. The other person is too busy thinking about what they're going to say and how they're coming off to even register insightful thoughts about you, so cut it out! If they're talking to you, be polite and look at them. If you don't, it's like you're ignoring them. You don't intend to come off rudely, so don't!
- A good rule of thumb is to look at them when they're saying something that seems important -- at least to them. If you're making comments or if they're just offhand remarks about something, let your gaze wander, but always come back to them. You want to let them know you care about what they're saying. You'd want the same, right?
4
Be an active listener. Loads of people think socializing is about saying the right things. Turns out that's a very, very small part of it. Once you get good at this social jiujitsu stuff, you might even be able to have conversations without talking a word about yourself. It's more about listening, asking the right questions, and seeming so interested the other person never gets a cue to stop.^{[2]
X
Expert Source

Lynda Jean
Certified Image Consultant

Expert Interview. 17 November 2020.} Where's the pressure in that?!
- All you need do is ask a question. Preferably something open-ended, like "What's a normal day on the job like for you?" Then when they stumble on something interesting, keep the chain going. Keep asking open-ended, related questions. Show enthusiasm in your face, your tone of voice (even if you're bored out of your mind) and they'll practically sop up the attention. Here's an example:
  - Karen: "What's a normal day on the job like you for, Jim?"
    Jim: "Oh you know, the paper-selling business isn't super eventful, but my boss keeps it interesting. He's constantly wandering around, checking up on us, so I've gotten my fake phone call voice down pat when I'm actually playing Candy Crush."
    Karen: "No way! That's terrible! ...But I do the exact same thing. He's never once caught you?!"
5
Learn names. Because people luh-uh-uh-ve to hear them. Hearing "How are you?" is good, but hearing, "How are you, Karen?" (...if your name is Karen, that is) feels so much more personal. Insert them whenever you can. It'll help you remember them, too!^{[3]
X
Expert Source

Lynda Jean
Certified Image Consultant

Expert Interview. 17 November 2020.}
- When you're first meeting people, this is doubly important. You can make someone feel like the only person in the entire world by using their name. When you find out their name, say it. Insert it into the conversation once or twice, and then make sure you say it at the end, too. "It was lovely to meet you, Jim. Let's chat again soon!" just sounds more genuine and not at all trite. You'll be sure to leave a lasting, good, impression.
6
Read others. All this really is is observation -- a skill you're definitely capable of if you're reading this. Think of yourself as a layman's Sherlock Holmes. What can you gather about a person without really talking to them? There are two facets to consider:
- What is their body saying? Are they tired? Anxious? Facing the door? Glancing around the room? Bored? You can gain a lot from their facial expressions and how their body is positioned and where they're positioned in the room.
- What can you gauge about their dress? Nice watch, nice shoes? Unkempt hair? Wedding ring? Scars? Headphones, coffee cup, piercings? There are often tells that we don't even notice. Use these to your advantage!
7
Dress for the occasion. This one comes last because it matters, but it's not a huge deal. If Barack Obama walked into a party in a clown suit, he would still be charismatic and a people person, you know? But if you're meeting strangers for the first time, it's best to dress like you fit in. Not necessarily nice, just to fit in. Whatever that means for where you are.
- The only consistency between circumstances, really, is being hygienic. In some scenarios a t-shirt and jeans is all that's required; in others, it's a suit and tie. But wherever you are, for God's sake, shower. You could be the next Einstein and no one would give you the time of day if you smelled bad.

Part 3

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Getting Out of Your Head

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1
Know that nerves alone beget awkwardness. For most of us that suck at socializing, it's because it's just plain awkward. The awkwardness can get so bad we'd rather be gnawing through our right arm than deal with it any longer. You'd swear it walked in the door right behind you. But in reality (or whatever exists outside your imagination), that's your nerves. That's all it is. If your nerves were to go away, so would the awkwardness.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, knowing nerves breed awkwardness won't get you anywhere. But it can open up your mind to seeing how it works. We all know that guy who can rock an awkwardly-placed mustard stain, we all know that chick who makes bedhead look like a thing. How is that possible? They roll with it. They don't let it bother them. That's all.
- How do you stop these things from bothering you? A good rule of thumb is: If you know in advance that something is "off" and will bother or distract you, fix it. For example, if you are going to a job interview or a party and you think your shirt is a bit short, wear a different one if you think you'll be pulling on it all the time. Fidgeting with clothes only draws attention to what is (in your mind) wrong with them, or to the fact that you're uncomfortable and nervous. If something happens spontaneously that you were not prepared for (like the mustard stain mentioned earlier), and you can't fix it completely, pretend it doesn't exist. Seriously. If you don't look at it, touch it, rub it, or constantly try to hide it, chances are your conversation partner will not even notice it. They will be looking at your face and your hands while you talk and listening to you.
2
Get positive expectations. Actual get-rid-of-nerves material. If you go in with positive expectations, it's a lot harder to get nervous. Say you walk into a group of people that you're pretty confident you'll mesh with. They're awesome, you're awesome and it will be awesome. When you get an awkwardly-placed mustard stain on your pants, it's no biggie. Why? Because you don't let it.
- Life is more like a self-fulfilling prophecy than we realize. Seriously. Studies show that those who think they'll be more successful are.^{[4]
  X
  Research source} If you get in a good place, you'll be more likely to evoke positive interactions. And negativity is just plain repelling.
3
Enjoy your own company. Because happy, fun people are the types that others naturally gravitate to. If you can enjoy your own company, there's no reason others can't, won't, or shouldn't. If you already enjoy your own company (you are pretty great and all), this should just give you ammo, solidifying the belief that this not-able-to-socialize thing is just in your head.
- Though no one can really tell you how to do this, the easiest way to get started on that path is by doing things you enjoy. The more you can be pleased with yourself and the life you're cultivating, the happier you'll be with who you are.
4
Know why you're on this page. Odds are you either suck at socializing or you just plain don't like it. Or you're on this page for kicks, wondering what it could possibly have to say. Let's ignore that last part and delve into why you suck or why you don't like it. Tackling the reason is the quickest way to get results. Here's a few potential causes:
- You literally don't know how. If this is your problem, awesome. There are pretty standard patterns you can follow to fake it effectively.
- You don't like small talk. Good news! This is pretty easy to circumvent. You just have to be willing to steer the conversation.
- It stresses you out. For this one, it's important to force yourself to relax. Luckily you have control over your body and how it feels, so you can make efforts to change this.
- You just don't like people. Well, for starters, let's get to finding better ones! But since we're making do with what's available, we'll concentrate on focusing on the good. It's there somewhere.
5
Keep your issues in mind while socializing. You know yourself better than everyone else. When you've pinpointed what's keeping you from being successful socially, you can combat it. Let's take those four scenarios:
- You don't know how. What you'll need to concentrate on is the patterns and habits we'll be discussing further on down this page. Practice makes habit, after all. You'll just need to practice.
- You don't like small talk. You don't have to do a dang thing you don't want to do, which is the beauty of it. In fact, most people hate small talk. It's just that no one is willing to steer a conversation to deeper more meaningful topics. You gotta take the leap.
- It stresses you out. You'll need to concentrate on bodily factors -- deep, slow breathing, focusing on something external, smiling, and taking it one bit at a time. It's also a good idea to relax when you're alone, just to get in the zen zone.
- You just don't like people. Hate to break it to you, Holden Caulfield, but there are people out there who don't suck -- you just need to give them the time of day. It'll be a conscious effort to not write people off because of the shoes they're wearing or the comment they made on how unique Whole Foods is. And yes, it is totally doable.

Join the Discussion...

How do I deal with social anxiety?

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WikiDolphinDiver871 posted on 06/15/24 6:34 PM

Every time I'm about to go somewhere with lots of people, I get SO stressed. Once I get there I'm super uncomfortable and have trouble talking to... Read More

Ran D. Anbar, MD, FAAP posted on 06/16/24 8:29 AM

Think about an upcoming social encounter and try to imagine it in a positive way. Instead of thinking that it might be difficult or awkward, thin... Read More

Donna Novak, Psy.D posted on 06/16/24 2:58 PM

There are different strategies you can try to be comfortable around strangers when you have anxiety. I like to help my clients to come up with a... Read More

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What if my voice is really quiet, so its hard to get people's attention to talk with them?

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Smile and make eye contact, then speak from the diaphragm (in your stomach) rather than just speaking from the mouth. Imagine how you would need to speak for people across the room to hear you. Don't yell, of course, but practice with a friend speaking more loudly from the diaphragm until your friend says your voice is powerful enough for people to notice you.

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The guys I hang out with often ignore me. What should I do?

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Leave them and go find other friends who treat you better. They're not true friends if they routinely ignore you.

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I have social anxiety, and I've secluded myself, but I still want social interaction. I panic trying to converse and panic if we talk too long. Is it better to just stay on my own?

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I recommend talking to a mental health professional about this. Sometimes even talking to a therapist can help you develop some social skills and relaxation techniques when you get nervous in social situations. Don't cut yourself off just because this is hard for you. Socializing is an important part of life.

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